God bless the child that's got his own

I began this day with a completely different post in mind.  Ironically, it had to do with how I was finding much joy in this holiday season compared to the last few years.  I still want to talk about that.  In fact, I think it's more important than ever to push that to the forefront.  But first, I need to talk about what happened today, this terrible day in a tiny picturesque New England town.  I just read a blog post that put it this way - I want to feel this to the core of my being.  (http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/12/14/a-day-for-hatred/)

I don't know if I would have that level of emotion, that need to FEEL, that I do if I were not a parent.  I would feel the loss, I would grieve with the families, there would still be tears for the innocent babies lost.  Something about having children that age takes this entire nightmare to a different level.  The first thing I felt when I heard the news: devastation.  Heart break.  And of course, the why???  How can you possibly begin to answer that?  The truth is, you can't.  We will never know why, we will never understand.  As many facts as may come forward in the next days, weeks, months, there is no understanding about this evil.  Pure, unadulterated, next level evil.  I did my very best today to stay far away from political posturing.  I've been nothing but consistent in my stance that I can completely disagree with a belief on an "issue" while still respecting your right to hold that belief.  Today, that was hard.

Because this was not about guns or mental health or anything but that evil.  How, I ask you, has our world become this playground for evil that we can't even send our kindergarden students to school safely?  As many parents, the first and only thought in my head after details began coming in was I need to hug my kids and never ever let them go.  I even suggested to my sister that we take the kids and move to a small Northern European country to finish out our days, me knitting clothes for everyone and the kids fishing for our sustenance.  After that reassurance that everyone is ok in my world, my next overwhelming need was to fall to my knees and pray.  Pray for the babies who will be spending Christmas in heaven.  Pray for their broken families.  Pray for everyone that had to see that crime scene.  Pray for the innocent children left behind who might never feel safe again.

Most of all?  Pray for our world.  I pray that we haven't gone so far past that next level that we can no longer be redeemed.  I pray that this horrible incident will drive more people to their knees and away from expressing their outrage over policy on social media.  I pray for everyone that hurts, that wonders, that is heartbroken.  More than ever we need to come back to basics.  Basic human decency, love, trust in one another.  Pray for these things.

Hold your love ones tighter than ever tonight.  And if you will, please pray with me.

This ain't no holiday, but it always turns out this way..

I am a sentimental sap, I admit it.  There was a time when I would have been (read: thought I was) way too cool to admit to such tripe, but I am a huge fan of Christmas/Holiday themed movies.  I watch them all, good, bad and too awful to admit to anyone that I actually watched other than my sister.  She gets the full lure of the Lifetime and Hallmark scene when you need a good Nora Roberts or Danielle Steel moment.

There are a few of these movies that I tape and watch over and over and over again until January.  For whatever reason, I don't own any of these movies on DVD.  I watch them on TV, because, well, just because.  It seems like the way to go.  This comes to mind today because two of them, lucky me, are on today.  Welcome to December folks, amateur hour is over!  I'm not one of those that starts the Christmas caroling and decorating in October - not looking at anyone that may or may not be related to my husband, certainly - but when it's time, it's time.

First up on my list, "The Family Stone".  If you've never seen this movie and you are prone to weeping, skip this one.  I sent a text to my sister when I started watching it this morning, asking if I was indeed a masochist.  The consensus is yes, yes I am.  To be fair, this movie came out the year before my dad died and I bet I first watched it the first Christmas after that.  So of course it's a tearjerker for me.  Other than that, I have no idea why I love this movie so much.  It's full of so much uncomfortable family dynamic that at times, even when I know what's coming, I have to put my fingers in my ears and go "la la la" during certain scenes.  And SJP?  She drives me insane!  Her character is maddening in this movie, so maybe that's why it works??  Dunno.  Regardless, I watch it every time it's on, even during the summer.  Yay me.

Second one I don't feel ashamed of, although I am a bit ashamed by the fact that I never actually watched the whole film until I was an adult.  It wasn't one of those family traditions when I was growing up and let's face it, it is a long movie.  Unless you are invested, maybe too long.  Not I, though.  Not even close.  I will watch "It's a Wonderful Life" at least 4 times during the month of December, and there have been a few seasons lately that I have watched it far more than that.  Black and white, traditional, honest to God character redemption at Christmas.  Sigh.  To me, all movies should be like this.

(on a completely random note: why does a picture of Bert and Ernie with a video camera come up when I search for this image??  Awkward.)

Who doesn't cheer for good ol' George Bailey?  He's the hometown boy, constantly overshadowed by his hero brother, with "all these kids" (I always giggle at that line), Mr. Potter, who truly is a giant ass; eternally plotting against him and a crazy uncle that loses money.  And I also don't know too many people out there that haven't had a George Bailey moment in their lives.  So let the angels get their wings, I will watch this movie and recite every word to myself every single year.  Strangely, I watch this one alone, no wonder why.

That's just the tip of the iceburg!  In conclusion, I watch entirely too much television.  The End.

My head is full of magic, baby

I am in a creative mood today, a bit manic even (in a good way, I promise).  I have more than a few projects in the works and lurking on the fringes.  I feel productive!  For most of my "adult" life I think I resigned myself to the you can't do that mentality when it comes to branching out, taking a chance.

So.  What the hell am I talking about, right?

I have enough time and enough motivation at this point in my life that I can finally take a giant leap of faith and do something I have always wanted to do.  Write.  Not blog, although obviously I will do that.  But write, write.  And even more exciting?  I am DOING it, not just obsessing about it, worrying about it, planning to do it, coming up with reasons why it's a bad idea, starting and rejecting it.  Doing it.  I must say...it feels great.  It's like I have kept it all bottled up and now words and thoughts and ideas are just...there.

As bad as I am at being secretive, I'm going to keep things under wraps from everyone, including the most nosy in my life (I'm looking at you!) until I have a workable output that is worth sharing.  All I ask for is your best wishes, good vibes, prayers.  Whatever you would like to send my way.  Actually working towards realizing a dream of what I wanted to be when I grow up - which I won't - is pretty damn cool.

Current inspirational playlist: (on shuffle, obviously)**

Money Maker - The Black Keys
First it Giveth - Queens of the Stone Age
Bell Bottom Blues - Derek and the Dominos
The Catalyst - Linkin Park
Kill Rock n' Roll - System of a Down
Light of the Morning - Band of Skulls  (or as Bay calls it, the fast car song)
The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You - My Chemical Romance
U Mass - Pixies
Mekong - Refreshments
New Born - Muse

**disclaimer:  Yes.  I realize I am quite strange.

And I haven't felt so alive, in years

My brain has been all over the map the last week.  The election stirred up too much in me, and much of it I can't get out of my head.  No, no, don't run for the hills - I'm not about to talk politics and issues.  Half the time I don't even know where I stand, so why should I subject anyone else to my rambling?

Mostly, it has made me introspective.  Thinking about life, how much things have changed since I couldn't wait to be a "grown up".  Thinking about what the near future and the far future hold for me, my family, my loved ones, everyone really.  I suspect I am probably not even close to alone in these thoughts.

I had the opportunity yesterday to have two very different interactions with people I have never met and never will.  The first was during the course of work, where I get to talk to people all day long.  Usually its not personal and not long.  Occasionally though, I run across someone who really likes to talk for one reason or another.  Yes, it's in the course of work and I should stay professional but as I also like to talk a fair amount, I almost always fall prey to the talkers.  This call was from an elderly woman in the morning that still has me thinking.  How amazing is that?  Someone I have never met shared life experiences and life advice with me that was meaningful, insightful and greatly appreciated.  I actually took NOTES while she was giving me the advice.

That conversation made me realize that so many of the things we seek answers and solutions to can't be solved.    Answers that we look for can only come from experiences we have and the life we lead.  On top of that, why are we even looking?  I know I personally do way too much thinking about things that make no difference in the grand scheme of my existence.  I have become a lot more focused on the things that I should be seeking answers to lately,  Other than that, it seems a lot more important to focus on things front and center.

The other experience was on a blog I had never read written by a man I have never met.  I came across the blog after seeing a twitter post about someone who had recently passed away.  The man lives in the area and had suffered from stage 4 inoperable lung cancer for the last two years.  The blog existed before he got sick, but became his story about his illness and how he dealt with it after he was diagnosed.  I spent a good 2 hours looking through this blog.  The strength of this man was inspirational.  Realizing that he needed to enjoy his life, he spent the 2 years before he died with his family and travelling.  He traveled to every single state and part of Canada on his motorcycle, because he wanted to.  It took many, many trips between relapses and treatment.  He did it with many different groups of friends.  He chose to experience life to the fullest.

After marveling at his stories, I found myself wondering if I could do that.  Knowing that the end was coming, could I chose joy and turn it around?  You know the people around him just wanted to bundle him up and keep him close.  I hope that if something like that ever happens in my life (not trying to be morbid, by the way) that I can embrace life and make it count.  Sounds cliche but isn't that would we should be doing?  Living life and enjoying every moment?

OK.  I feel better getting that out.  And I look forward to the next time I have an interaction that truly makes me think.  I promise to keep it light next time.  - S

Freedom..you've gotta give for what you take

Election Day, in case you were not aware.  If you were not, I envy you.  I really do.  I don't think I am in the minority with that sentiment.  Most of us are sick to death of the ads, the dialogue, the endless rhetoric and the coverage.  The non-stop endless coverage with pundits galore.  I've been joking about moving to Canada to live with a moose.

Obviously I don't mean that.  The process is important.  Does it need fixing, well yes, of course.  But it's what we have to work with.  I actually DO understand the electoral college, being the history loving nerd that I am, but it doesn't mean that it is relevant in today's age.  And other things, which I do not choose to jump up on my soapbox about.

I grew up in a very politically active family.  I learned a lot about it.  Enough that now, as a parent myself, my views are dramatically different than my parents.  And that is OKAY.  That means I learned enough and I have enough confidence in my own opinions that I don't just follow along like a sheep, going with the crowd or the popular kids.

That is not why I wanted to post today.  I know it happens every political season, but I have seen an abundance of taking politics to a personal level this year.  As in, you don't support my candidate, you are obviously ignorant.  (I'm not)  You clearly don't love children.  (I think the four of them might disagree)  You are racist and don't believe in the rights of women.  (Well, I come from a hispanic family and I have a vagina, so...)

You get the idea.  I know it goes on from both sides.  I find it abhorrent.  Perfectly reasonable people grow balls to say things they would never say otherwise.  We get further polarized and grow legions apart with this attitude.  How on earth did it become acceptable to hate or look down on an entire group of people simply  because they belong to a different party than you do?  Simply put, don't assume you know someone, or even that you know what their politics and views are.  I believe most people are not firmly in one camp or another.

I was raised in a staunchly liberal household.  Vote straight party line and don't even consider anything else.  I am an independent.  I am still very liberal in terms of many social issues.  I have found myself growing increasingly conservative fiscally as I have gotten older and certainly with kids in the picture.  I would also like to see God more present in our country.  The party I most mirror in my views is the Libertarian party.  Pretty diverse huh?  My point is this - don't assume you know.  Step back and take a deep breath.  The vitriol and nastiness is unwarranted and unnecessary.  I think most of us just want our country to be better.

I will close with this.  Vote as you will, do not judge others if they don't agree with you.  Most importantly, pray that whoever is our next president will have our best interests at heart and help those who desperately need it.  We need God's love and justice in our country.

Turning grey and it surely looks like rain

The weather has me in a funk today.  Nothing like stepping outside to go to church to find that it's not only cold, but it is "is it going to freakin' snow" cold.  I love fall so much that knowing that OTHER season is approaching makes me want to hunker down under multiple blankets and growl at people.  Blame it on the barometric pressure changes with all the storms around.

So today is my small things I am grateful for that are not sports or music related in any way.  (I can do it, I promise)

While they are still there, the leaves falling off the trees.  Doing a continuous scratch scratch scratch on the concrete outside my bedroom window, reminding me that they are still sticking around.

The velvety underside of a dog's snout.  Is there anything even remotely as soft on the planet?  I can sit and scratch Rosie's face for as long as she will let me and be perfectly content.

The color of the sky at the exact moment of twilight, dusk, whatever you choose to call it.  Its a deep blue indigo, a color almost without a name.  There is a spot in time at that exact moment where the world seems to go almost silent, as if nature needs to take a deep breath before switching over to night.

Getting a package.  Man, I am such a kid when it comes to mail.  Good mail, obviously, not the grown up variety.  Since I don't get letters like I used to, its generally in the form of packages.  But it makes no difference to me.  Even when I know the package is a bottle of vitamins and some notebook paper, it still holds that level of excitement for me.

The way every kid, I don't care how old they are, looks a guaranteed half their age while they are sleeping.  I could watch my kids sleep all night, if I thought they wouldn't wake up and think I was some sort of maternal stalker.  There is just something so sweet and innocent about sleeping kids.

The feel of the pages in a brand new magazine.  Now I will admit, I've mostly switched over to digital versions of my favorite print magazines, more for convenience sake than any real issue with magazines.  The other day I happened to pick up a magazine at the check out in line at the grocery store and I had an aha! moment.  This is what's missing.  The actual feel of the pages!  Not only that, but in many of the magazines I frequent, the smells.  You just don't get that from a Kindle.

I have been a dreadful insomniac since I was born it sometimes seems.  So this next one is a rarity for me, but still amazing.  That feeling that you get right as you know you are going to fall into a deep sleep.  A sense of peace, near paralysis of your body and just...rest.

Sigh.  See?  I feel better all ready.

Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say

I've lost my bloggy, it seems.  Trust me, it isn't because I have nothing to say.  That could be a fatal flaw of mine, always something to say.  And I am still grateful, that is not the problem.  No giant obstacles, no writer's block.  Just time.

We got caught up in baseball fever.  We had our hearts broken when the Reds imploded.  We had a great time celebrating downtown.  Then I decided it would be a great time to fall oh so gracefully and wreck my knee.  We have spent the time since then shuttling back and forth between medical appointments, dropping outrageous money on co-pays along the way.  I could go on a healthcare rampage here, but I will take a deep breath and recall my previous "grateful for insurance" post instead.

Really, there's nothing out of the ordinary going on.  I think it has been a moment of refocus.  I've been reading a lot of really profound earth changing blogs and I start to feel a little shallow and pointless.  I know that it is not the case, in theory, but man.  Reading about people doing missionary work, describing these life altering trips to Haiti makes me sit back and wonder.  I will get into that later.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about change, with a capital C.  We will see where it leads.

I went back to work full-time this week, which is HUGE.  I try not to focus on it.  Honestly, is it that different?  I have one day less off a week.  I still get to work at home.  My job still rocks.  I also switched up some medical stuff, but that's neither here nor there.  I actually feel pretty great now.  I'm a walking pharmacy, but if I learned one thing over the last year or so, it's to trust the opinions and advice of those with much more expertise than I have.

Moral of the story, it's all good.  I will be back to being grateful tomorrow.

Sticks and stones may break my bones

I've been absent in my blog posting, I know.  It's been...a  week.  Some good, some bad.  We got to go downtown and have a great time outside of the stadium for game 3.  And then we lost.  3 games in a row.  No more playoffs.  I suppose that's not the worst thing in the world, I wasn't sure I could make it through another series.  128 days until pitchers and catchers report, in case anyone was wondering.

Bad, well, while we were having fun I practiced my pretend like you are coordinated act and tripped and fell flat on my kneecaps.  I would not recommend doing this.  I'm not sure I've ever felt pain quite like it.  I suffered for a few days and finally broke down and went to urgent care today.  Good news?  Not really.  Kneecap wasn't broken but it looks like other structural damage is in play, so I get to visit a brand new doctor next week!

I am grateful I have insurance.  (Even if I do have to pay too much in copays, but that is a post for another day)  I really am.  I've had too many clumsy injuries like this when I didn't and they ended up lingering forever.  I am hopeful its something simple and easy to fix, but if it isn't, at least I have options?

Back to the warm and fuzzies this weekend.  I need a pain pill.

All the small things, true care truth brings

It's simple pleasures day for me today.  For whatever reason, I am feeling like retreating under the covers.  But there is always a reason to peek out.

I am grateful for the few green leaves that remain among the vibrant gold and red.  I love this time of year, but I love my trees.  The trees are one of my biggest pleasure living here and it is like saying au revoir to a dear friend every year when they shed their leaves.

Fuzzy socks.  Yep, fuzzy socks.  It has been chilly here the last few days, downright cold to me.  Those silly little fuzzy socks have helped my shivering, along with fuzzy blankets.  I am sure if my coworkers and customers could see my getup they would get a good chuckle out of it.  Have I mentioned how much I work from home.

Again I am grateful to live in a place where we can DO things.  We can't afford to go to game 3 of the NLDS tomorrow, but we are going to go and hang out right outside the ballpark along with who knows however many hundreds of other people tomorrow.  And tomorrow, I will be totally grateful for the sweep of the Giants.  :)

And lastly, I am grateful for this blog.  It has been my own little personal outlet to voice the thoughts that ramble around in my head.

Don't blame us if we ever doubt you, you know we couldn't live without you

Ah yes.  This one shouldn't be too hard to see coming.  I swear, sometimes I feel so shallow and transparent.  But the thing about being "shallow" is that I really enjoy the simple pleasures in life.  Seriously.  It really doesn't take a grand gesture to make me happy or to entertain me.  Which is why I think I like sports in general so much.

Baseball.  If you get it, you get it.  If you don't, you just don't and there is not anything I am going to say to convince you.  Trust me, I have tried.  No amount of  "there are really cute boys" or "c'mon just support my team!" will convince my beloved sister to give it a try.  Her loss.  ;)

I haven't always been a fanatic of the sport like I am now.  The entrance into my life of a certain Mr. has turned me from casual fan to ridiculous fan.  Yup.  THAT fan.  Moving to a city with an actual big league team has only fueled that fire.  While I watched baseball on tv before, now we can go down to the park with very little effort (we live less than 10 miles from GABP) and usually not so much cash expenditure.  There is something very different about watching the game live, which I am sure most fans will agree with.  We are now on our third summer in the area and I am a full blown crazy Reds fan.

(To stop the questions before they begin, yes.  I am still very much a Red Sox fan.  I just prefer not to discuss them in their current state.  Its all about the Reds love baby)

Today's grateful is that silly little game.  Oh, and its a combo post for the weekend because I am in the midst of a preseason frenzy.  I wrote the rules, I can break them.

It really is a silly game.  Grown men running around after a little ball, insane superstitions, inane rules like the infield fly rule.  Yeah, I went there.  Despite all its silliness, it brings people together.  It brings families together.  We watch all together here.  I chat on the phone with Dilly in New Mexico during games.  And when things get tough, as they have been known to do around here, sometimes its easier to sit quietly and watch a baseball game than it is to stress over more worldly matters.  That is the main reason I am grateful.

Baseball lets me have pure joy while putting aside other thoughts for just a little while.

Go Reds.

Times like these you learn to love again...

(I started this post last night, but then I decided I would rather just...be)

Today is a milestone for me.  Not a very pretty one, but a huge one.  Today is the day after the regular season of baseball ends and the postseason starts.  Not so long ago, six months to the day, to be exact, I was gearing up to go to Reds opening day the next day.  Well, in theory.  In reality, everything that had been unraveling in me came completely undone.  Not just a little fraying, but like a giant ball of yarn that a cat has been playing with for hours and strewn all over the living room undone.

In the aftermath of the destruction that this caused, I rested.  I healed.  I cried.  I prayed.  A lot.  I raged.  I went to appointments.  Doctors.  More doctors.  Pharmacies.  I went to be every single flippin' night not thinking I could get up and do it all again the next day.  And yet every single flippin' day I woke up.  I didn't know why.  All I wanted for so long was to not.  Not to wake up.  Not to hurt.  Just...not.

Here's the thing about all of that.  Once you start on the clean-up, you have to see it through.  So more than anything, I fought.  Because I knew what the cost was for giving in.  I fought, and am still fighting, as hard as I could, as hard as I can.

Today I am blessed to be alive.  I am grateful for it, which I might not have said even two months ago.  Like I said, I am still fighting.  I have a strong support system of friends and family near and far, they keep me going.  God keeps me fighting.  Lifts me up.  Reminds me that I am something of worth and that I still have so much more to give in this world.

Today, just live.  <3

What do you love about music? To begin with, everything.

I love  music.  I always have.  Music has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember.  From when I very young, it has been a part of my life.  My tastes have changed somewhat, but generally, not a lot. I like to rock.  Pure and simple.  I can remember listening to what is now classic rock with my dad at an age where I should have probably been listening to more age appropriate genres.  Like the crap my mom listened to.  But I digress.  ;)

A band that irrevocably changed me was Nirvana.  I know some of you (and I see you, by the way) just groaned at that.  My love affair with all things Nirvana is well documented.  Anyway, my item of gratefulness today begins with Nirvana.  The drummer of Nirvana, specifically.

I adore Dave Grohl.  Truth be told, I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave.  Ask Bay.  This is daddy #3.  When I *finally* got to see Foo Fighters live last year I cried for the majority of the show.  Yep, I'm that fan.

Oh Dave.  Imagine my dismay today upon learning that Foo is taking a "break".  Horror.  Extreme unhappiness.  Instant Foo listening marathon.  Tears.  Yep, that fan.

Here is where the grateful comes in.  I am GRATEFUL for this man and his beautiful music.  Ok, he screams more than he sings.  But to me, he sings the most wonderful melodies known to man.  His music and this band have been a big part of every single thing I've gone through for so very long?  They speak to my soul.  I don't know what to do thinking their new music won't be a part of my life again.

I love the Foo Fighters.  I am so glad I got to see them on what may very well be their last tour, for the very first time.  And the music will still continue to speak to me as it has for the last 18 years.

The Guys

When I was a teenager, defiant and full of dreams and expectations, I don't think I ever envisioned kids in my future.  Not that I didn't want them, they just didn't fit in to my plans for myself.  I never had that overwhelming desire to be a wife and mommy.

Well, obviously things changed, one kid at a time for six years until I had a d'oh moment where I realized, yes, indeed I did have four children.

But before that, there was my eldest niece.  I was still in the highlight of my turbulent twenties when she came around.  At first she was almost like a novelty.  It didn't seem real that my little sister had such a cute little thing.  Let me tell you.  Since she was just a small bundle of action and pep, that little girl stole my heart.  She was the only kid around for three years until I had my oldest, and she got ALL the attention.  I don't know how I sat through so many Veggie Tales videos, but for her, I did.  Even when I had been out since 3 am the night before.

Since then I've been blessed to have three more of my own, but also to have another niece and a nephew.  Today is my nephew's 11th birthday.  He's my little buddy and I really miss him.  I wish I could be there to celebrate with him.  Since we have moved, I don't see them like I want to.  But they hold a special place in my heart and they are my blessing for the day.  LOVE my guys!!

Its October!

October 1st!  I do love October.  While this weekend was this glorious perfect weather, today is cool and rainy.  I'll be honest.  Must as I adore sunshine, I love the rain.  It could rain every single day and I would be ok with that.  Obviously it rains WAY more here that it does in the Southwest, so my love of rain works out pretty well.  I worked with my window open today...and a blanket wrapped around me.  I just couldn't stand not letting the fresh air in.  :)

Going to start the month with just one thing I am grateful for.  Its a big one in my life right now.

This is Rosie.  We have been wanting a dog for awhile now, but as we have been virtual gypsies in our many travels and moves, not so feasible.  We waited until the guys were here this summer to rescue a shelter dog.  Turns out, she was the one doing the rescuing.

Walking into a shelter is always a painful process.  All those dogs looking up at you with the sad eyes or the excited eyes, barking, wagging, vying for attention.  We went in looking for a particular dog, but he had already been adopted.  As we walked the aisles, I saw her.  She was quiet, shy in her corner softly wagging her tail.  She was in a pen with another dog, her brother, who was very friendly and enthusiastic.  But I wanted her.  She had a look of a dog who needed me.  

I've never heard of an assistance dog for someone with anxiety issues, but this dog is it.  She is a Border Collie mix, probably Australian Shepherd.  She and her brother were dropped off at a vet's office, so we don't know her history.  As we brought her home into our family, it was obvious she had been through some sort of abuse.  It took some time to get her out of her shell and to see any signs of confidence.  Today, you wouldn't even recognize her as the dog we took home that day.  She's our buddy, our protector and my security blanket.  She seems to have an uncanny sense when things are... off...for me and when that happens, she will not leave my side.  Those of you that aren't dog people may roll your eyes, but there is nothing like the companionship.

So today, I give you Rosie.  She hangs out at my feet looking out the window most days that I work and its endlessly comforting to just be able to lean over and ruffle her fuzzy head.

Count Your Blessings

I've been struggling lately.  Life, work, reality, lots of things.  It has also left me with a complete block for what I want to write.  Not normal.  Unfortunately, I've also come to realize this IS my new normal. August is awful.  The kids leave, I struggle to maintain.  September passes in a blur as I come out of it.  And October, well let's just say this year is going to be different.

Living an "ordinary" life with anxiety is a minute to minute challenge.  I find I can go from being perfectly fine to overcome in warp speed.  We are happy in our current living situation but... I hate that but.  But, we have those neighbors.  The ones that are up to no good at all hours, in all ways, in such a manner that it has begun to seep into our little existence.  I may be um, wise with age (that's it!) but due to the life that I have led, I am not stupid.  Cars coming and going all day and night with people in and out would make Jesse Pinkman proud.  I've let this take control of my anxiety and my goal, besides getting the situation taken care of, is to rise above and let it flow right over me.

So.  How I planned to begin this post today changed a little.  But really, it fits right in quite nicely.  I need to get over it.  Because October is going to be my month of counting my blessings.  Yes, yes, I know.  Most people do this in November in conjunction with that turkey holiday, but if you know me, you know the turkey holiday is more about football, friends and family and a day of over indulgence than anything else.  I can be the rebel that breaks that tradition and does it in October, because that's really who I am.  Live with it.

I am doing a study on the life of David and a recent lesson had to do with counting your blessings when you are at your lowest,  not your highest.  This isn't a new theory for me.  Since the spring, I do this every chance I get.  Getting to my lowest has made me feel blessed daily.  But this study has reminded me how important this is to do, even when you are struggling.  Especially when you are struggling.

My goal is to do this daily in October, and it should not prove to be insurmountable because I see blessings in every aspect of my life, every day.  I hope that sharing this part of my existence with you will be enjoyable, maybe even thought provoking.  And because I conform to non-conformity, I start my daily quest today.  On the last day of September.  :)

Today, I am grateful for:

The beautiful midwest autumn weather that we are having.  Crisp, clean beautiful days with a sky so blue you have to just stop and take it in.  The change is coming, you can feel it, but for the moment it is absolute perfection.

Waking up this morning to an incessant alarm, only to have it replaced by a snuggle (and hulk smash) from the boy and Mikey.  All while getting my toes licked by Rosie.

Getting ready to an amazing series of songs that made me smile, it was so me.  Double shot of The Clash, Love Song (311 version), Bob Marley, I Will Survive (Cake version) and of course, some Muse.

Feeling so complete at home and at peace at church.  Loving it even though the sermon today was awfully hard to take.  We have never had this, and to have it now, well I think it might be the ultimate blessing.

Saying eh, whatever, to the diet and splurging into a big ol' Five Guys burger.

The Packers beat the Saints.  (Not so sure that's a blessing since that makes the Mr. awfully mad, but I'm good with it)  And I enjoyed it with what may be the last batch of Summer Shandy we see until next summer.

Knowing that I will go to work tomorrow with a new role, and having faith that I will kick that role's ass.

And I will wrap up the night with saying this.  I am blessed to be here.  And even when I am struggling, I remember His love and wake up to do it better the next day.

Strange Days

Recently I asked my husband what he thought it was about the world today, why there is so much evil and violence and how it has changed so rapidly since we were kids.  That scans two different generations of course, but I digress.  (Sorry.  I need every bit of humor I can get at the moment)

That thought came back to me this morning as I woke up in the early morning and saw the beginnings of the story of the Aurora shooting.  Almost instantly.  Why?  I think that's my main problem with this story, this entire scenario.  WHY?  I see and hear people saying there is no motive, there doesn't have to be.  I don't buy that.  This person premeditated this.  Planned it down to the last detail.  If that wasn't evident in the initial reports, the booby trapped apartment made that clear.  There has to be a motive.  And yet I know there may never be any answers.  This man was obviously ill, not that a mental illness can excuse such a tragedy.  He obviously did not want to die either, which seems at odds with the profile he presents.

I sat and watched the news all day long.  I turned it off for the baseball game, but guess what?  It is back on again.  What I need to hear, what I need to feel - and I am certain I am not alone - is the stories of the people whose lives meant something.  People who just wanted to see a movie, people who waited for weeks, months, longer to see this movie.  I spent the morning at the theater watching "Brave" with all 4 kiddos and the husband just yesterday morning.  We joked about going to the midnight showing of TDKR.  Now I try to imagine what if?  What would I do?  KIDS were in there.  Kids were lost, parents were lost.  I just can't wrap my head around it.

I intended to blog today about my first full day back to work since April.  But THIS happened today.  I feel sorrow, but I feel blessed for what I have been given as well.  A second chance.  A second chance to live the life I should lead.  For myself, for my kids.  I just can't help but think of all of those that didn't get the chance because of a sick individual with a gun.  Every time I think I can't imagine the world getting sicker, it does.

I do want to mention a website I found today because of this tragedy.  I didn't know a thing about it until I saw it linked to the story of the shooter.  It hits home with me and I hope you will take a moment to read it.

http://www.twloha.com/blog/what-that-sticker-means

Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm doing a little blog tweaking, much like my life lately.  I talk about the silliness of life, our love of all things sports, family and an occasional crafty type post.  I will still do that, it's who I am.  But I am changing it up a little in the personal aspect of the blog.

The past few months have been a journey of self-discovery, pain, change, pain, love, loss, joy, utter despair and most of all...transition.  I am a Shan in transition.  It has never been a topic on my blog, but I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life.  I am choosing to talk about it now because I think it is important to share.  I have always felt like it was something to be ashamed of, something to hide.  I realize now, with lots of help, that it is important that everyone, including myself, sees this as an actual illness that needs treating.  Which I am doing, wholeheartedly and not without lots of trial and error.  Both with medication and therapy, with a whole boatload of different doctors.  I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't be pretty or easy in any way.  But at this point I sort of feel as if the fog is, if not lifting, thinning?

I know that it is a process.  My mantra has become not one day at a time, rather one second at a time.  Things can go from one extreme to another so quickly that this is the only way to survive.  I still look forward to things, of course.  But I don't live my life constantly looking in the future.  I am trying my best to live in the moment.  I am currently on a leave of absence from work.  Luckily for me, I work for an amazing company that has allowed me the time to get well.  I am hoping to go back in the next few weeks in a part time capacity.  We have had other changes as well, including an unplanned move out of our house into an apartment.  It's different.  But it's a nice apartment in a quiet, HUGE and beautiful wooded complex complete with fishing lakes.  The apartment itself is perfect for us and we only had to move around the corner.

Next week also marks the arrival of the guys!!  We are not doing the awesome roadtrip to go get them this year, unfortunately.  (yeah, that's it!)  They are spending the week in Florida and flying up here after that.  To say I cannot wait, well, that is an understatement.  With all of the things the last year has seen in our lives, I haven't been able to go visit them this year, so I haven't seen them at all in almost a year.  We have loads of fun and amazing things planned, so be certain that pictures will follow.

So there it is.  Life.

Oh, and because I have been insanely crafty lately, here is the current project for our awesome hardwood bathroom floors:

Tata for now!