Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm doing a little blog tweaking, much like my life lately.  I talk about the silliness of life, our love of all things sports, family and an occasional crafty type post.  I will still do that, it's who I am.  But I am changing it up a little in the personal aspect of the blog.

The past few months have been a journey of self-discovery, pain, change, pain, love, loss, joy, utter despair and most of all...transition.  I am a Shan in transition.  It has never been a topic on my blog, but I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life.  I am choosing to talk about it now because I think it is important to share.  I have always felt like it was something to be ashamed of, something to hide.  I realize now, with lots of help, that it is important that everyone, including myself, sees this as an actual illness that needs treating.  Which I am doing, wholeheartedly and not without lots of trial and error.  Both with medication and therapy, with a whole boatload of different doctors.  I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't be pretty or easy in any way.  But at this point I sort of feel as if the fog is, if not lifting, thinning?

I know that it is a process.  My mantra has become not one day at a time, rather one second at a time.  Things can go from one extreme to another so quickly that this is the only way to survive.  I still look forward to things, of course.  But I don't live my life constantly looking in the future.  I am trying my best to live in the moment.  I am currently on a leave of absence from work.  Luckily for me, I work for an amazing company that has allowed me the time to get well.  I am hoping to go back in the next few weeks in a part time capacity.  We have had other changes as well, including an unplanned move out of our house into an apartment.  It's different.  But it's a nice apartment in a quiet, HUGE and beautiful wooded complex complete with fishing lakes.  The apartment itself is perfect for us and we only had to move around the corner.

Next week also marks the arrival of the guys!!  We are not doing the awesome roadtrip to go get them this year, unfortunately.  (yeah, that's it!)  They are spending the week in Florida and flying up here after that.  To say I cannot wait, well, that is an understatement.  With all of the things the last year has seen in our lives, I haven't been able to go visit them this year, so I haven't seen them at all in almost a year.  We have loads of fun and amazing things planned, so be certain that pictures will follow.

So there it is.  Life.

Oh, and because I have been insanely crafty lately, here is the current project for our awesome hardwood bathroom floors:

Tata for now!