Bay and I at our NEW location (aka the inlaws's spare bedroom)

Day #1 of working on getting life on track here.  We spent the weekend exploring, acclimating and if you were me, freaking at random intervals.  Today it was time to get to work, or attempt to.  

The place we are staying is a bit far out, but nothing unmanageable.  Its just an adjustment learning to live in the suburbs after living in, well, small town hell.  We've done a bit of exploring and today we went out to some areas we'd scoped out to look for a J-O-B.  At least for Mikey, for now.  This is something that I hate, its a process I dread.  So does he.  Surprised that we ended the afternoon using each other for target practice?  Don't be.  I'm not.  

I did spend a blissful half hour wandering around a Borders, looking at all the shiny beautiful books I want that I can't afford.  Number one on my list is the Mason Dixon knitting book.  I love it!!  Must have.

Things are settling into their own little groove.  There are adjustments at every turn and things I must remind myself about all day.  We did this for a reason.  It WILL be better.  I CAN handle my inlaws, bless them.  And as private of a person as I can be, this is an exercise in learning to live peacefully among others and accepting little quirks.  Each day is a new adventure, a new experience and a new lesson to be learned.

Like this one.  Why can you not buy liquor or wine in grocery stores here?  Not that I have had the occasion to do so, but this is weird, weird to me.  And you can smoke in bars?!  Haven't seen that in a hot minute.  News on at 11.  Of course, along with this is prime time starting at 8.  

Small adjustments.  I admit it, I am addicted to certain things (beyond the obvious.  *snort*)  One is tv while I sleep.  Not necessarily because I watch it, but because I need the noise and light.  Not one in our room.  I've been falling asleep with the IPod on, but I wake up disoriented and weirded out.  Maybe I can break my addiction.    

So.. nothing big but yet it all feels big to me.  It looks different (WAY different), it feels different, it smells different.  I won't fully adjust until we have our own place, our own jobs, our own things, our own groove.  But I can work on the small stuff for now.

Day 2

Well, we didn't get the start out of THAT place as quickly or nearly as easily as we had hoped, but I did get my wish - we were across the state line before the sun set.  Granted, we lived 10 minutes from the border, but still.  I had threatened to bury my husband between a cow and something oil related if we had to endure another minute not on the road.

And so we set off in a car packed so full that I literally can't see little man from where I sit in the front seat.  We ended up stopping a bit short of what we would have hoped, but when we got to the point that I was spouting off my "random Panama stat of the day" (btw, it was guess where Jeremy Shockey is vacationing, in case you needed some Panama knowledge) and Mikey was singing Offspring in falsetto, it was time to take a pitstop.

Boys slept soundly, Mommy notsomuch.  But I am more than a little pumped to stop and get the venti-est of venti lattes, perhaps more than one at an actual coffee shop.  We are headed next to Little Rock.  I'm going to attempt to take some cheesy interstate pictures to share, if I can manage.

Ta ta for now!

Our Big Adventure

Not really Pee Wee Herman style, but my body and brain are so fried at this point, I'm beginning to feel like I could use a playhouse and a padded room.

As soon as we can get it all together, (ha!) we are hitting the road.  We are giving away about half of what we own, and this is after I got rid of a ton of stuff.  I admit it, I am a bit of a pack rat.  This in itself is truly ridiculous, given the sheer volumes of moves I have made since I reached adulthood.  But I tried my very best to divest some of the unnecessary clutter.  Seems appropriate.  The rest of the belongings are shoved into a 5 x 10 storage unit until we can get them at a later date.  We are packing the little old car to the brim and heading east.

I guess that point when you have to make that life changing decision has come.  In a big way.  Mikey resigned his job and we decided to make a fresh start.  Today, we are headed to Dallas, perhaps Little Rock?

Wish us luck!  I'm running on fumes after packing furiously for 2 days.

Bay and I say "Peace Out!" to small town New Mexico

Who Dat!

I'm a Packers fan.  But my husband is a die-hard Saints fan, so I will cheer for them, unless of course they are playing my Pack.  So naturally this playoff season has been an exciting one around here, particularly given the rough time we've been going through.

I'm not sure I can say I believed that they would win, not gonna lie.  If a team could win on sheer momentum and fanbase loyalty, this would be the team.  During the first quarter I watched my husband getting more and more dejected and I wanted things to change more than anything.  Its cliched, its overstating the obvious, but he, like many Saints fans, NEEDED that win.

If you aren't a sports fanatic like we are, you probably think this is silly.  Its not.  I think that a big part of the reason sports appeal to so many is that its a form of pure escapism.  There is nothing better than forgetting your problems for a few hours while you watch a sporting event.  It can also take a lot out of you.  I've spent more hours than I should crying over a hard loss.  I guess being a Red Sox fan was my destiny.  ;)

So it wasn't terribly surprising to see my husband crying for a good long time after the Saints did the amazing last night.  I am not sure our 4 year old understood why Daddy wouldn't let him go, but I did.  It was like all of the stress of the past few months came pouring out of him.

Which is why this picture has to be one of my favorite ever.  Ever!  Baby Brees is grinning because his daddy is playing with him.  He may not understand, but he will.  And if you don't love that Saints fan got this win, well, I can't help ya.  But from my own selfish perspective, sometimes you just need the win.

Another bump in the road

Although most days it seems like we are muddling through and making things better, I am not naive enough to believe its all perfect.  We have had a rough few days -- new diet for me, no smoking for him, all of us getting used to each other again -- and somehow it became easy to fall back into old patterns.  Bickering, sniping at each other.  Nothing we can't break through.

Then we had another big setback today.  No, I won't even be overstating it if I say HUGE setback.  One that is going to make it almost impossible for us to survive financially, even with all the things we have cut out of the budget.

So my question to myself, anyone that might read this and most importantly God is this.  How much is too much?  How much do you take before you not only make a change, but a drastic, change your life sort of change?  All of the sacrifices that we made and had our family make for this move seem like they were for nothing.  Not only have we not moved forward, but we are far worse off than when we began.  And mostly miserable.

I can say with 99.9% certainty that our marriage won't survive if this keeps on the same path.  I had a moment earlier today, even before this awful news, that brought me right back to a couple of months ago, when our marriage was in complete shambles and I felt powerless to do anything to save it.  Which means change has to happen and quick.  Our son needs it too.

What, what to do?  I am at a loss.  We decided it would be best for me to stay home, both for our family and  finances.  I really don't think it would help anything.  It would put us right back to where we were that got us in this situation.  Its important for me to focus on my family, make things right.

I don't have the answer.  I have to put it in God's hands to lead us the right way and to help us make the right decision.  I've been brought about as low as I can go.

As normal as it gets

As I sit and watch last night's "Big Love" for the third time (yes, I'm an addict), it occurs to me that this is the first completely normal day I've had in as long as I can remember.  Months.  That might sound crazy, but its true.  Bailey came home from his extended trip to his grandparents on Friday night.  43 days to be precise.  We spent the weekend in a ridiculous state of  bliss, all three of us.  Not only did I miss him, but hubby was gone a week too, the last three of those with NO contact, cell or computer.  We snuggled, we played, we laughed, we loved. 

Today was hubby's first day back at work after vacation and my first day back as a semi-official SAHM.  Its been awhile.  I've worked since Bailey was born with just small breaks.  My only real forray into SAHM-dom was after Logan was born..a gazillion years ago.  So its going to take some adjustment for all of us.

But after dinner was made, kitchen cleaned, bath given, story read and now quiet?  I feel content.  I feel like this is the way it should be.  I feel normal. 

Who knows what the future is going to bring this year but I am starting to know that I can handle whatever with love, my guys and the Lord by my side.