Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.