Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm doing a little blog tweaking, much like my life lately.  I talk about the silliness of life, our love of all things sports, family and an occasional crafty type post.  I will still do that, it's who I am.  But I am changing it up a little in the personal aspect of the blog.

The past few months have been a journey of self-discovery, pain, change, pain, love, loss, joy, utter despair and most of all...transition.  I am a Shan in transition.  It has never been a topic on my blog, but I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life.  I am choosing to talk about it now because I think it is important to share.  I have always felt like it was something to be ashamed of, something to hide.  I realize now, with lots of help, that it is important that everyone, including myself, sees this as an actual illness that needs treating.  Which I am doing, wholeheartedly and not without lots of trial and error.  Both with medication and therapy, with a whole boatload of different doctors.  I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't be pretty or easy in any way.  But at this point I sort of feel as if the fog is, if not lifting, thinning?

I know that it is a process.  My mantra has become not one day at a time, rather one second at a time.  Things can go from one extreme to another so quickly that this is the only way to survive.  I still look forward to things, of course.  But I don't live my life constantly looking in the future.  I am trying my best to live in the moment.  I am currently on a leave of absence from work.  Luckily for me, I work for an amazing company that has allowed me the time to get well.  I am hoping to go back in the next few weeks in a part time capacity.  We have had other changes as well, including an unplanned move out of our house into an apartment.  It's different.  But it's a nice apartment in a quiet, HUGE and beautiful wooded complex complete with fishing lakes.  The apartment itself is perfect for us and we only had to move around the corner.

Next week also marks the arrival of the guys!!  We are not doing the awesome roadtrip to go get them this year, unfortunately.  (yeah, that's it!)  They are spending the week in Florida and flying up here after that.  To say I cannot wait, well, that is an understatement.  With all of the things the last year has seen in our lives, I haven't been able to go visit them this year, so I haven't seen them at all in almost a year.  We have loads of fun and amazing things planned, so be certain that pictures will follow.

So there it is.  Life.

Oh, and because I have been insanely crafty lately, here is the current project for our awesome hardwood bathroom floors:

Tata for now!

You will be missed, Jim Day

This weekend we both found ourselves with a Sunday off with no plans.  Of course, this was due to the schedule changes with the kiddos here, but still.  Its an unusual thing.  It was hot as hell but we decided to venture out and experience a summer tradition around here that we missed all last summer - the church festival.  Every church/school festival I've ever experienced was cake walks and homemade ring tosses.  Not this one.  Think beer, gambling, rides, fun!  And it was fun.  But did I mention it was hot as hell?  We stayed long enough to get airbrushed tats, face painting and a couple of kiddie rides before we bailed for air conditioning and drinks.  And food, we had to feed the kids, duh!

Before we left, Bay did a fish bowl toss and won a fish.  Oh.  Goodie.  Sense my enthusiasm, as I am sure it is radiating from my fingertips.  We don't do pets so well in our family.  Haven't had one in awhile, definitely not since we moved here.  So sure.  A fish can't be THAT bad, can it?  The festival booth did the smart thing.  Instead of handing out actual baggies with fish in them, they gave out certificates to the pet store.  Today the kids went and picked out the fish and fish trimmings (that sounds wrong, doesn't it?) and proudly brought the new fish home.  A name had been picked out already - Jim Day.  Those of you that don't live in this area have no clue who Jim Day is, but he is a Fox sports analyst who does the Reds Live show pre and post game.  Bay loves him.  We all love him.  I'm an avid follower of his on Twitter.  The big kids have learned all about him since they have been here.  We have a fan with Jim's face on it that we got at a game back in May and Jim is now appearing all around my house in various scenarios.  Did I mention how exciting they are to see him at the game on Friday?  I wonder if the real deal will be as exciting as this:

Jim Day swam swimmingly (proudly?  majestically?  fishily?) in his bowl for a grand total of 4 hours.  4 freakin' hours.  I didn't even get a chance to take a picture of him.  He looked like this.

Well, he did look like that.  After we stared at Jim Day for a few minutes later in the afternoon we realized he was not merely napping.  And at that point he looked a little more...stagnant.  Restful.  Cass and I very quickly escorted Jim Day to the portal to the giant ocean in the sky before Bailey could realize what we are doing and that was that.  Sorry Jim Day.  Maybe Jim Day 2 will fare better?

Day 2: More Missouri and Oklahoma

Woke up to a HOT and humid day in St. Louis.  And with a lot less skip in our step.  But we had more to go to get to Tulsa and see the guys.  This is where the trip started to lag, no surprise.  We were traveling on a holiday weekend, so of course on a Saturday morning, lots of peeps trying to get out of town and to the lakes.  I had boat envy in a major way on this stretch of the trip.  I was fantasizing about being at a lake, not in a car.  The central part of Missouri is absolutely gorgeous.  Hilly, green, lots of trees.  We saw Six Flags from the road and signs for all the lakes and recreational areas, but not anything close up.  Next time through I would like to stop at some of the caves.  Missouri is cave country, after all.  Who knew?

We did get to drive through Joplin, which I admit I was a bit freaked out about.  Luckily, the damage that we could see from the highway was minimal.  Uprooted trees, signs, some snapped poles and that was about it.  I wasn't going to go into town and go gawk and disturb people trying to rebuild lives.

By the time we got to Joplin, which was pretty close to the Oklahoma border, we had been through what seemed like hundreds of radio stations, 50 games of Interstate Jeopardy, a case of Red Bull (felt like it!) and were beginning to get pretty chippy.  Luckily I am certifiable, so getting chippy just makes me that much funnier.  Ask anyone.  :):)  

Oh, Oklahoma.  Flat, brown, boring. Nah, actually this part of Oklahoma was green and had trees!  But still boring.  And toll roads?  Really?  Here's how I really feel about Oklahoma.

The drive from the Oklahoma border to Tulsa felt like the longest drive I've ever taken.  I was getting anxious to see the guys, I was hot, tired, hungry and generally pissy.  We hit a bunch of annoying road construction but obviously we did eventually make it.  And it was all worth it in the end!!  Just for the record, they were just as excited to see me as I was to see them.  :):)

Observations from Day 2:

• Don't underestimate the awkwardness of having dinner with your kids, your current and your ex husband.  Nothing a couple of drinks can't help.
• Toll roads are dumb.  Wait, did I already say that?  Toll roads in the middle of nowhere are dumb.  Why do I have to pay to drive through your state?  Especially when the road is crappy?
• Choosing to do the trip in two days was brilliant.  Stay tuned for day 3.....

Day 1 of the Cross Country Roadtrip

Let the adventure begin!  Traveling without Bailey is almost like a vacation in and of itself (JUST kidding...sort of) so we started out in a chipper mood.  The weather was great, sun shining.  One thing I've always noticed about road trips, and this one was no exception, the first leg of the trip seems to be the easiest.  Good radio stations, good conversation, sights we hadn't seen before after we got through Louisville.

Southern Indiana is pretty... but that's about it.  I spent most of my time looking for Amish buggies.  I didn't see any.  Southern Illinois, more of the same.  More farms.  We did find some exciting rest areas..as exciting as rest areas can get, obviously.

This was a protected wetland in Illinois.  Actually quite pretty!  

Slow going through Illinois though, WTF gives with a 65 mph highway speed limit??  We did eventually make it to Missouri.  This was all part of the country that I have never experienced before, so I enjoyed watching the scenery.  And more rest stops...

We made it into St. Louis is pretty good time.  Enough time to get checked in, relax and go to the Anheuser Busch brewery which was important.  Priorities, people!  It was a great experience, I'm glad we went.  The brewery itself was not what I expected.  3 historic register buildings on the property, everything was in basically original condition.  And beer!  Lets not forget why we did the tour to begin with.

And can I just say, its disturbing when you realize horses are living better than you are.  Stained glass and chandeliers in stables?  Its not a bad gig, if you can get it.  We got to see the Clydesdales at Opening Day this year, but it was amazing to see them in person.  6"3" at the shoulder.  I wanted to ride one.  Mikey wouldn't let me.  Buzzkill.  But don't worry, we did get to have our free beer tasting at the end.  Considering all of the business we have given this company for many years, it was only right.

We also ventured down the Landing area, which is really nice.  I'd like to spend more time there under different circumstances.  We were tired, hot, run down and it was annoying that we had to watch a Cardinals/Rays game and whisper about the score of the Reds game.  All in all, it was a pretty tame night, considering we were alone in a different city.  Getting old sucks.

Observations made on Day 1 of the big adventure:

• While in St. Louis, Bud and Bud Light are considered premium beers and you have to pay more for them.  We'll have Miller Light, thank you very much.
• Coming up with new games to play with road signs makes the time go by quickly.  We suggest Interstate Jeopardy.
• Having a phone with an unlimited data plan is a fantastic thing.
• Choosing a hotel with a free Happy Hour?  Score!

Bring on the rest of Missouri!!

Jumpin' Juniper! Its July.

Today we begin a magical adventure that will take us across the country and back and hopefully expose us to many new and exciting things along the way.  Gag.  A little much maybe.  But we ARE starting a month of "summer vacation" today, at an hour I would rather see coming into the door, rather than leaving.  Remember when summer vacation used to actually mean something?  Like going to the pool, riding your bike, camping, sleepovers. Yeah, me too.  But its been awhile since I was able to just enjoy life.  This is that time, my friends.

First leg of the journey takes us from the wilds of Northern Kentucky to St. Louis,  Mikey has been there.  I have not.  In fact, this whole drive will be mostly new territory for me and I can't wait.  I plan to stop at all of the bizarre roadside locations and historical markers.  I'm a big fan of historical markers.

Hoping to get there in time to take in a tour of the Anheuser Busch brewery and maybe ride a Clydesdale?  Maybe not.  Wish us luck.

Lucky Day! And a little bit of perspective..

What is it about numbers that turns normally logical people into superstitious loons?  That has nothing to do with anything I wanted to say today, but I just had to mention it.  So far all  1/11/11 means to me is yet another snow day and a bunch of white stuff that doesn't want to stop falling.  But we did get this out of it!

In true fashion, I've been lax in my blogging.  I've never been a huge fan of resolutions, I prefer to think of them as...life tweeks?  Among those are doing this more faithfully.  A good portion of the last two years were basically crap, up until about September when we got our life back.  I'd really like to get  back to sharing the good stuff.  :)

One thing 2010 did give me was a big dose of perspective.  We went from the lowest of low to a little better to less better and by the end of the year I would say we are about even.  That's not a bad place to be, all things considered.  When I look back to this time last year, its practically a miracle that our family is still in one piece.  Its taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  And trust me, things are not perfect, but that would just be boring, wouldn't it?    

2010 was a huge adjustment with the move, but we've come to love living in Kentucky.  Its different, don't get me wrong.  I regularly get bouts of homesickness and obviously I miss the guys.  But having so much to do is a welcome change.  I am desperately looking forward to spring, and I am not entirely certain I will ever fully acclimate to Midwest winters.  Snow has just become a way of life.  And not seeing the sun will never be ok with me.  Good thing I'm taking a trip to the sunny Southwest soon!

Another huge "life tweek" (that sounds so new age and cheesy..it stays!) is a renewed attempt to get healthy.  Although I am a perennial 29, lets face it.  Not getting any younger.  I've got Mikey on board with me and so far it is really helping.  Doing South Beach type eating, which has not only been very successful for me in the past, but allows us to eat actual yummy and realistic foods.  Tonight we are having a Rosemary Mediterranean Beef Stew.  I'm going to try to use this blog to share recipes/diet progress as well.

We have made ourselves a goal to run a 5K in May - http://www.flyingpigmarathon.com/.  I'm not going to lie, I have zero motivation to go out there in the cold.  Working on an alternative to that, because that is a huge obstacle.  I've been very inspired by some friends that have turned into fitness nuts (you know who you are!) and its become something I want.  I figure I can transfer some of my OCD into good, not evil.

So for now I will close by saying I feel hopeful for the future, thankful for the blessings we have been given and excited for the adventures we will surely have in 2011!