Count Your Blessings

I've been struggling lately.  Life, work, reality, lots of things.  It has also left me with a complete block for what I want to write.  Not normal.  Unfortunately, I've also come to realize this IS my new normal. August is awful.  The kids leave, I struggle to maintain.  September passes in a blur as I come out of it.  And October, well let's just say this year is going to be different.

Living an "ordinary" life with anxiety is a minute to minute challenge.  I find I can go from being perfectly fine to overcome in warp speed.  We are happy in our current living situation but... I hate that but.  But, we have those neighbors.  The ones that are up to no good at all hours, in all ways, in such a manner that it has begun to seep into our little existence.  I may be um, wise with age (that's it!) but due to the life that I have led, I am not stupid.  Cars coming and going all day and night with people in and out would make Jesse Pinkman proud.  I've let this take control of my anxiety and my goal, besides getting the situation taken care of, is to rise above and let it flow right over me.

So.  How I planned to begin this post today changed a little.  But really, it fits right in quite nicely.  I need to get over it.  Because October is going to be my month of counting my blessings.  Yes, yes, I know.  Most people do this in November in conjunction with that turkey holiday, but if you know me, you know the turkey holiday is more about football, friends and family and a day of over indulgence than anything else.  I can be the rebel that breaks that tradition and does it in October, because that's really who I am.  Live with it.

I am doing a study on the life of David and a recent lesson had to do with counting your blessings when you are at your lowest,  not your highest.  This isn't a new theory for me.  Since the spring, I do this every chance I get.  Getting to my lowest has made me feel blessed daily.  But this study has reminded me how important this is to do, even when you are struggling.  Especially when you are struggling.

My goal is to do this daily in October, and it should not prove to be insurmountable because I see blessings in every aspect of my life, every day.  I hope that sharing this part of my existence with you will be enjoyable, maybe even thought provoking.  And because I conform to non-conformity, I start my daily quest today.  On the last day of September.  :)

Today, I am grateful for:

The beautiful midwest autumn weather that we are having.  Crisp, clean beautiful days with a sky so blue you have to just stop and take it in.  The change is coming, you can feel it, but for the moment it is absolute perfection.

Waking up this morning to an incessant alarm, only to have it replaced by a snuggle (and hulk smash) from the boy and Mikey.  All while getting my toes licked by Rosie.

Getting ready to an amazing series of songs that made me smile, it was so me.  Double shot of The Clash, Love Song (311 version), Bob Marley, I Will Survive (Cake version) and of course, some Muse.

Feeling so complete at home and at peace at church.  Loving it even though the sermon today was awfully hard to take.  We have never had this, and to have it now, well I think it might be the ultimate blessing.

Saying eh, whatever, to the diet and splurging into a big ol' Five Guys burger.

The Packers beat the Saints.  (Not so sure that's a blessing since that makes the Mr. awfully mad, but I'm good with it)  And I enjoyed it with what may be the last batch of Summer Shandy we see until next summer.

Knowing that I will go to work tomorrow with a new role, and having faith that I will kick that role's ass.

And I will wrap up the night with saying this.  I am blessed to be here.  And even when I am struggling, I remember His love and wake up to do it better the next day.

Strange Days

Recently I asked my husband what he thought it was about the world today, why there is so much evil and violence and how it has changed so rapidly since we were kids.  That scans two different generations of course, but I digress.  (Sorry.  I need every bit of humor I can get at the moment)

That thought came back to me this morning as I woke up in the early morning and saw the beginnings of the story of the Aurora shooting.  Almost instantly.  Why?  I think that's my main problem with this story, this entire scenario.  WHY?  I see and hear people saying there is no motive, there doesn't have to be.  I don't buy that.  This person premeditated this.  Planned it down to the last detail.  If that wasn't evident in the initial reports, the booby trapped apartment made that clear.  There has to be a motive.  And yet I know there may never be any answers.  This man was obviously ill, not that a mental illness can excuse such a tragedy.  He obviously did not want to die either, which seems at odds with the profile he presents.

I sat and watched the news all day long.  I turned it off for the baseball game, but guess what?  It is back on again.  What I need to hear, what I need to feel - and I am certain I am not alone - is the stories of the people whose lives meant something.  People who just wanted to see a movie, people who waited for weeks, months, longer to see this movie.  I spent the morning at the theater watching "Brave" with all 4 kiddos and the husband just yesterday morning.  We joked about going to the midnight showing of TDKR.  Now I try to imagine what if?  What would I do?  KIDS were in there.  Kids were lost, parents were lost.  I just can't wrap my head around it.

I intended to blog today about my first full day back to work since April.  But THIS happened today.  I feel sorrow, but I feel blessed for what I have been given as well.  A second chance.  A second chance to live the life I should lead.  For myself, for my kids.  I just can't help but think of all of those that didn't get the chance because of a sick individual with a gun.  Every time I think I can't imagine the world getting sicker, it does.

I do want to mention a website I found today because of this tragedy.  I didn't know a thing about it until I saw it linked to the story of the shooter.  It hits home with me and I hope you will take a moment to read it.

http://www.twloha.com/blog/what-that-sticker-means

Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm doing a little blog tweaking, much like my life lately.  I talk about the silliness of life, our love of all things sports, family and an occasional crafty type post.  I will still do that, it's who I am.  But I am changing it up a little in the personal aspect of the blog.

The past few months have been a journey of self-discovery, pain, change, pain, love, loss, joy, utter despair and most of all...transition.  I am a Shan in transition.  It has never been a topic on my blog, but I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life.  I am choosing to talk about it now because I think it is important to share.  I have always felt like it was something to be ashamed of, something to hide.  I realize now, with lots of help, that it is important that everyone, including myself, sees this as an actual illness that needs treating.  Which I am doing, wholeheartedly and not without lots of trial and error.  Both with medication and therapy, with a whole boatload of different doctors.  I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't be pretty or easy in any way.  But at this point I sort of feel as if the fog is, if not lifting, thinning?

I know that it is a process.  My mantra has become not one day at a time, rather one second at a time.  Things can go from one extreme to another so quickly that this is the only way to survive.  I still look forward to things, of course.  But I don't live my life constantly looking in the future.  I am trying my best to live in the moment.  I am currently on a leave of absence from work.  Luckily for me, I work for an amazing company that has allowed me the time to get well.  I am hoping to go back in the next few weeks in a part time capacity.  We have had other changes as well, including an unplanned move out of our house into an apartment.  It's different.  But it's a nice apartment in a quiet, HUGE and beautiful wooded complex complete with fishing lakes.  The apartment itself is perfect for us and we only had to move around the corner.

Next week also marks the arrival of the guys!!  We are not doing the awesome roadtrip to go get them this year, unfortunately.  (yeah, that's it!)  They are spending the week in Florida and flying up here after that.  To say I cannot wait, well, that is an understatement.  With all of the things the last year has seen in our lives, I haven't been able to go visit them this year, so I haven't seen them at all in almost a year.  We have loads of fun and amazing things planned, so be certain that pictures will follow.

So there it is.  Life.

Oh, and because I have been insanely crafty lately, here is the current project for our awesome hardwood bathroom floors:

Tata for now!

You will be missed, Jim Day

This weekend we both found ourselves with a Sunday off with no plans.  Of course, this was due to the schedule changes with the kiddos here, but still.  Its an unusual thing.  It was hot as hell but we decided to venture out and experience a summer tradition around here that we missed all last summer - the church festival.  Every church/school festival I've ever experienced was cake walks and homemade ring tosses.  Not this one.  Think beer, gambling, rides, fun!  And it was fun.  But did I mention it was hot as hell?  We stayed long enough to get airbrushed tats, face painting and a couple of kiddie rides before we bailed for air conditioning and drinks.  And food, we had to feed the kids, duh!

Before we left, Bay did a fish bowl toss and won a fish.  Oh.  Goodie.  Sense my enthusiasm, as I am sure it is radiating from my fingertips.  We don't do pets so well in our family.  Haven't had one in awhile, definitely not since we moved here.  So sure.  A fish can't be THAT bad, can it?  The festival booth did the smart thing.  Instead of handing out actual baggies with fish in them, they gave out certificates to the pet store.  Today the kids went and picked out the fish and fish trimmings (that sounds wrong, doesn't it?) and proudly brought the new fish home.  A name had been picked out already - Jim Day.  Those of you that don't live in this area have no clue who Jim Day is, but he is a Fox sports analyst who does the Reds Live show pre and post game.  Bay loves him.  We all love him.  I'm an avid follower of his on Twitter.  The big kids have learned all about him since they have been here.  We have a fan with Jim's face on it that we got at a game back in May and Jim is now appearing all around my house in various scenarios.  Did I mention how exciting they are to see him at the game on Friday?  I wonder if the real deal will be as exciting as this:

Jim Day swam swimmingly (proudly?  majestically?  fishily?) in his bowl for a grand total of 4 hours.  4 freakin' hours.  I didn't even get a chance to take a picture of him.  He looked like this.

Well, he did look like that.  After we stared at Jim Day for a few minutes later in the afternoon we realized he was not merely napping.  And at that point he looked a little more...stagnant.  Restful.  Cass and I very quickly escorted Jim Day to the portal to the giant ocean in the sky before Bailey could realize what we are doing and that was that.  Sorry Jim Day.  Maybe Jim Day 2 will fare better?

Day 2: More Missouri and Oklahoma

Woke up to a HOT and humid day in St. Louis.  And with a lot less skip in our step.  But we had more to go to get to Tulsa and see the guys.  This is where the trip started to lag, no surprise.  We were traveling on a holiday weekend, so of course on a Saturday morning, lots of peeps trying to get out of town and to the lakes.  I had boat envy in a major way on this stretch of the trip.  I was fantasizing about being at a lake, not in a car.  The central part of Missouri is absolutely gorgeous.  Hilly, green, lots of trees.  We saw Six Flags from the road and signs for all the lakes and recreational areas, but not anything close up.  Next time through I would like to stop at some of the caves.  Missouri is cave country, after all.  Who knew?

We did get to drive through Joplin, which I admit I was a bit freaked out about.  Luckily, the damage that we could see from the highway was minimal.  Uprooted trees, signs, some snapped poles and that was about it.  I wasn't going to go into town and go gawk and disturb people trying to rebuild lives.

By the time we got to Joplin, which was pretty close to the Oklahoma border, we had been through what seemed like hundreds of radio stations, 50 games of Interstate Jeopardy, a case of Red Bull (felt like it!) and were beginning to get pretty chippy.  Luckily I am certifiable, so getting chippy just makes me that much funnier.  Ask anyone.  :):)  

Oh, Oklahoma.  Flat, brown, boring. Nah, actually this part of Oklahoma was green and had trees!  But still boring.  And toll roads?  Really?  Here's how I really feel about Oklahoma.

The drive from the Oklahoma border to Tulsa felt like the longest drive I've ever taken.  I was getting anxious to see the guys, I was hot, tired, hungry and generally pissy.  We hit a bunch of annoying road construction but obviously we did eventually make it.  And it was all worth it in the end!!  Just for the record, they were just as excited to see me as I was to see them.  :):)

Observations from Day 2:

• Don't underestimate the awkwardness of having dinner with your kids, your current and your ex husband.  Nothing a couple of drinks can't help.
• Toll roads are dumb.  Wait, did I already say that?  Toll roads in the middle of nowhere are dumb.  Why do I have to pay to drive through your state?  Especially when the road is crappy?
• Choosing to do the trip in two days was brilliant.  Stay tuned for day 3.....

Day 1 of the Cross Country Roadtrip

Let the adventure begin!  Traveling without Bailey is almost like a vacation in and of itself (JUST kidding...sort of) so we started out in a chipper mood.  The weather was great, sun shining.  One thing I've always noticed about road trips, and this one was no exception, the first leg of the trip seems to be the easiest.  Good radio stations, good conversation, sights we hadn't seen before after we got through Louisville.

Southern Indiana is pretty... but that's about it.  I spent most of my time looking for Amish buggies.  I didn't see any.  Southern Illinois, more of the same.  More farms.  We did find some exciting rest areas..as exciting as rest areas can get, obviously.

This was a protected wetland in Illinois.  Actually quite pretty!  

Slow going through Illinois though, WTF gives with a 65 mph highway speed limit??  We did eventually make it to Missouri.  This was all part of the country that I have never experienced before, so I enjoyed watching the scenery.  And more rest stops...

We made it into St. Louis is pretty good time.  Enough time to get checked in, relax and go to the Anheuser Busch brewery which was important.  Priorities, people!  It was a great experience, I'm glad we went.  The brewery itself was not what I expected.  3 historic register buildings on the property, everything was in basically original condition.  And beer!  Lets not forget why we did the tour to begin with.

And can I just say, its disturbing when you realize horses are living better than you are.  Stained glass and chandeliers in stables?  Its not a bad gig, if you can get it.  We got to see the Clydesdales at Opening Day this year, but it was amazing to see them in person.  6"3" at the shoulder.  I wanted to ride one.  Mikey wouldn't let me.  Buzzkill.  But don't worry, we did get to have our free beer tasting at the end.  Considering all of the business we have given this company for many years, it was only right.

We also ventured down the Landing area, which is really nice.  I'd like to spend more time there under different circumstances.  We were tired, hot, run down and it was annoying that we had to watch a Cardinals/Rays game and whisper about the score of the Reds game.  All in all, it was a pretty tame night, considering we were alone in a different city.  Getting old sucks.

Observations made on Day 1 of the big adventure:

• While in St. Louis, Bud and Bud Light are considered premium beers and you have to pay more for them.  We'll have Miller Light, thank you very much.
• Coming up with new games to play with road signs makes the time go by quickly.  We suggest Interstate Jeopardy.
• Having a phone with an unlimited data plan is a fantastic thing.
• Choosing a hotel with a free Happy Hour?  Score!

Bring on the rest of Missouri!!