Another bump in the road

Although most days it seems like we are muddling through and making things better, I am not naive enough to believe its all perfect.  We have had a rough few days -- new diet for me, no smoking for him, all of us getting used to each other again -- and somehow it became easy to fall back into old patterns.  Bickering, sniping at each other.  Nothing we can't break through.

Then we had another big setback today.  No, I won't even be overstating it if I say HUGE setback.  One that is going to make it almost impossible for us to survive financially, even with all the things we have cut out of the budget.

So my question to myself, anyone that might read this and most importantly God is this.  How much is too much?  How much do you take before you not only make a change, but a drastic, change your life sort of change?  All of the sacrifices that we made and had our family make for this move seem like they were for nothing.  Not only have we not moved forward, but we are far worse off than when we began.  And mostly miserable.

I can say with 99.9% certainty that our marriage won't survive if this keeps on the same path.  I had a moment earlier today, even before this awful news, that brought me right back to a couple of months ago, when our marriage was in complete shambles and I felt powerless to do anything to save it.  Which means change has to happen and quick.  Our son needs it too.

What, what to do?  I am at a loss.  We decided it would be best for me to stay home, both for our family and  finances.  I really don't think it would help anything.  It would put us right back to where we were that got us in this situation.  Its important for me to focus on my family, make things right.

I don't have the answer.  I have to put it in God's hands to lead us the right way and to help us make the right decision.  I've been brought about as low as I can go.

As normal as it gets

As I sit and watch last night's "Big Love" for the third time (yes, I'm an addict), it occurs to me that this is the first completely normal day I've had in as long as I can remember.  Months.  That might sound crazy, but its true.  Bailey came home from his extended trip to his grandparents on Friday night.  43 days to be precise.  We spent the weekend in a ridiculous state of  bliss, all three of us.  Not only did I miss him, but hubby was gone a week too, the last three of those with NO contact, cell or computer.  We snuggled, we played, we laughed, we loved. 

Today was hubby's first day back at work after vacation and my first day back as a semi-official SAHM.  Its been awhile.  I've worked since Bailey was born with just small breaks.  My only real forray into SAHM-dom was after Logan was born..a gazillion years ago.  So its going to take some adjustment for all of us.

But after dinner was made, kitchen cleaned, bath given, story read and now quiet?  I feel content.  I feel like this is the way it should be.  I feel normal. 

Who knows what the future is going to bring this year but I am starting to know that I can handle whatever with love, my guys and the Lord by my side.

Do you know what today is? If you are an unstable baseball junkie like me, you know it means 25 days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. It also means I am getting the shakes like an addict with no connection. Let the countdown begin!!

A picture of my big birthday girl (taken expertly by her 10 year old brother) and one of the little man driving in the car from the airport with his daddy.

Ok. I feel much better today. Its sort of a gloomy day.. dark, rainy, thunder in the distance. But I am bundled up in my blankets watching Titanic for the gazillionth time. Nothing wrong with some vintage Leo to help the mood, is there? Practically medicinal!

Reunion of little man and his daddy is complete. He was completely surprised, as he had no idea of the impending visit. They are both happy and I can hear that happiness in their voices, which touches me long distance in its intensity. I can't wait until I have both of them back here to love them and never let them go again. Whatever happens in our lives next we can handle together. Nothing can be more important than that.

Today is also my daughter's 9th birthday!! Because she is obviously my girl, she is having a party at a Sushi/teppan grill restaurant and then a sleepover. :) I wish I could be there, but she is happy and obviously having a great day. I've already gotten a "Mooommmm" after calling her several times to sing different renditions of a birthday song. If there is one things all my kids understand, its that I will be me, in all of my goofiness. Its one trait that I am proud to say I got from my dad, as much as he sometimes mortified me growing up.

Its an interesting day. At this point, nearing midnight, I should be somewhere in Missouri, on a roadtrip with my husband to get to Ohio to get the little man. Obviously, I'm not. I am sitting at home, here in small town hell, watching a really bad Lifetime movie. Little man is long gone to sleepy town, dreaming sweet dreams. His daddy is also asleep, in a Dallas hotel.

I couldn't go. I don't know why. I wanted to. I NEEDED to get out of this town. But when it came down to it, I was afraid. Afraid of the drive, afraid of the trip who knows? I'm beginning to wonder if I was just afraid to leave the house. It seems to be harder and harder for me.

Yes, there was an argument. I don't blame him for being upset. But when it comes down to it, its on me. In 12 hours he will be with little man and his family, a happy place. I am here, alone, wondering what the hell I was thinking.

So for the next week, I will try to find what I need to welcome them back while I deal with being alone...maybe the longest time ever for me.

I have been thinking over changes for the New Year. Not necessarily resolutions, as I never seem to keep those and then I feel guilty and worse than before I made them. This year I think changes, both in attitude and in actions are more appropriate.

I intended to write this post at the traditional time, ya know, New Years? But as is the norm around here lately, life has a way of intervening. The hubby and I have been spending time together, working some things through. I got through Christmas relatively unscathed and New Years has always been more about football for me anyway. :)

So it seemed things might be headed in the right direction, slowly but surely. Maybe not. There are some work issues and last weekend our vehicle got repossessed. More challenges to add to the pile. But I digress..

This just fortifies my need for CHANGE. I feel like we have been ripped bare to the bone and have to rebuild at this point. I am working on my own emotional wellbeing..I have good days and bad days. Bailey will be home next week and that is sure to buoy my spirits, as one can't help but smile in his presence. Mike is working hard, long hours out of necessity right now. We have decided that for the time being, I am not going back to work. This will involve another change, as I've never been the most patient stay at home mom.

Patience.
Love, unconditional style.
Perseverance.
Hope. Faith. Grace.
And most importantly, the ability to find happiness in every situation, even when it doesn't go the way we planned.

This is my mantra. Notice, they aren't specific. I think every area of my life can use pieces of these. So a bit late, but Happy New Year and here's to a fantastic 2010.