Your time is gonna come

I am having a bit of an identity crisis this week.  I don't know if it is too much introspection, too much reflecting or just my over-active brain spinning ceaselessly.  But the reality is that my brain will continue to do so and I will continue to be me and the questions I have still remain.

For so very long, I have defined myself by my past.  That's not unusual, certainly.  My problem lies in the staying in the past, defining myself by the wrongs that were done and the hurts that resulted - either by me to myself or what I perceive was done to me.  I can say that having that mindset for most of my life, coming to this conclusion was painful for me.  Continues to be.  That sounds ridiculous, right?  Sounds like therapy 101 and obviously I have had plenty of that.

It comes down to a simple truth.  I don't feel worthy.  It doesn't matter how much I read, how much I learn, how much I'm told over and over again that my sins are forgiven.  I can't forgive myself.  I try and try and sometimes I feel it, right there on the cusp, that glorious feeling of freedom from the burdens I have carried for so long.  But the doubts still creep in and whisper in my ear, "not you.  you have done too much."  I know that whisper.  Oh how I scream at that whisper, hate it.  That talk has no place in my life, in my soul.  Most days I can banish the whisper and find comfort in knowing that I am worthy.  I literally feel the weight lifting and I take deep, long, cleansing breaths.  I feel the Spirit filling me up until I am almost giddy.

This week I have been burrowing deeper and deeper trying to find respite from the thoughts.  I do not want to be known by my past.  I am so much more than mental illness, divorce, broken relationships, that ONE mom who left her kids behind.  I am more than suicide attempts, nervous breakdowns, addictions and failed careers.  I am Shan who is pulling it together and who can safely leave that past Shan behind...can't I?  Each day I grow and learn and thrive in His love.  I see that I was made for so much more, that I have so much to give - in His glory, for Him.

I know that the struggles are still many, and I know for a fact that I am not alone.  Despite the past, I see the future and it is more beautiful than I could have imagined.  What I long for most right now is to not cheapen the relationship I have found with the Lord with my doubts.  I know He is faithful.  All I can do is trust in that with all of heart and soul.  My past can stay right where it is.