Look at them yo-yo's, that's the way you do it...you play the guitar on the MTV

A conversation with Mikey today reminded me of something that has been on my mind for the past few months. We were in a setting this morning where the topic of spending time together as a couple was discussed, including hours worked.  Afterwards, he admitted to me that he didn't want to discuss where he worked with the group.  This resonates so strongly with me, I hurt for him.  This is something I have struggled with for years.  Why does a job or a career have to define who you are as a person?  I grew up with this mindset, make sure you get the best education possible so that you can have a fabulous career.  I'm not sure where it even stemmed from, looking back.  But it was there, front and center.  If you have this standard to live up to in your head, isn't the opposite true?  If you don't have a fabulous career, then your life is somehow...less.  I have the education.  I *had* the jobs, I was working on it.  Life happened, I got divorced with 3 kids under the age of 5 to take care of and I had to get a flexible job making as much money as I could.  I went back to serving, it provided for my family.  Once I was in a stable enough place to try to get back on a career path, the jobs just weren't there for me.  That's a tough pill to swallow, but it's reality.  It's a  lot easier to hire and pay a new college graduate than it is to take a chance on a mom in her 30-somethings.

I have a job now that I really love.  A job that is perfect for my life and the restrictions I have with life and family.  Is it a career?  It could be.  But here's the thing - I don't NEED it to be, not anymore.  While I had the career-type jobs, I wasn't happy.  I was making money.  I was working.  I wasn't in the field I always imagined myself to be in, but I had myself convinced this was what was expected of me, so it was what I had to do.  I went in to college very idealistic and very, very naive.  I made poor choices, mostly based on boys. I admit it.  Regardless, the choices were made and the outcome was a hastily put together degree in something I had zero interest in.  Sounds like a recipe for success, eh?  I did attempt to make the dream of going to law school a reality, but I chose a different path.  I refuse to regret this path, as it gave me my children in the end.

So here I am.  Working, to work.  Pride makes me struggle with this, because I do worry about what other people think of me.  Fact is, most of my friends growing up who I still love and adore do have those fabulous careers.  It's only human nature to wonder what if.  That "what do you do for a living?" question is dreaded, because I think that people from my past are secretly shaking their collective heads, wondering "what happened to her?  she used to be so smart."  I've heard it from people that are closest to me!  I've been told I'm underemployed on purpose, and just not trying.  These are hurtful things, but if I didn't have that pride, it shouldn't bother me....right?  So again, I ask, why does a career have to define us?  I would rather be defined as being a good mother, a good wife, a good sister, a good daughter.  Someone who cared about others and felt passionately.  Someone in love with the Lord.  Someone who refused to let what other people may or may not think about me alter how I feel about myself.

Truth is, my priorities have changed so much.  Things that used to matter, goals that I felt I could never reach, those are intrinsically unimportant.  I continue to evolve, to learn and to change how I approach every day and I couldn't scream this loud enough to those I love - it is absolutely freeing.  Giving up that pride holding on, making me feel inferior, it feels like letting go.

What my goals are now are simple - to make myself better.  Better at all those things I mentioned.  And there is no reason at all I can't explore doing the things that I love, because I think they are somehow inappropriate or inferior.  I am writing a novel.  THIS is something I have loved since I was big enough to hold a pencil - writing, books.  I was born to be a writer in some way.  I've also decided to open up an Etsy shop for next winter, that was I can use my knitting obsession for good, and not just a way to fill an OCD need.  ;)  If I decide to do whatever, it's fine.  Because I do not need to be defined by what I do for a living, but who I am for a living.