Do you know what today is? If you are an unstable baseball junkie like me, you know it means 25 days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. It also means I am getting the shakes like an addict with no connection. Let the countdown begin!!

A picture of my big birthday girl (taken expertly by her 10 year old brother) and one of the little man driving in the car from the airport with his daddy.

Ok. I feel much better today. Its sort of a gloomy day.. dark, rainy, thunder in the distance. But I am bundled up in my blankets watching Titanic for the gazillionth time. Nothing wrong with some vintage Leo to help the mood, is there? Practically medicinal!

Reunion of little man and his daddy is complete. He was completely surprised, as he had no idea of the impending visit. They are both happy and I can hear that happiness in their voices, which touches me long distance in its intensity. I can't wait until I have both of them back here to love them and never let them go again. Whatever happens in our lives next we can handle together. Nothing can be more important than that.

Today is also my daughter's 9th birthday!! Because she is obviously my girl, she is having a party at a Sushi/teppan grill restaurant and then a sleepover. :) I wish I could be there, but she is happy and obviously having a great day. I've already gotten a "Mooommmm" after calling her several times to sing different renditions of a birthday song. If there is one things all my kids understand, its that I will be me, in all of my goofiness. Its one trait that I am proud to say I got from my dad, as much as he sometimes mortified me growing up.

Its an interesting day. At this point, nearing midnight, I should be somewhere in Missouri, on a roadtrip with my husband to get to Ohio to get the little man. Obviously, I'm not. I am sitting at home, here in small town hell, watching a really bad Lifetime movie. Little man is long gone to sleepy town, dreaming sweet dreams. His daddy is also asleep, in a Dallas hotel.

I couldn't go. I don't know why. I wanted to. I NEEDED to get out of this town. But when it came down to it, I was afraid. Afraid of the drive, afraid of the trip who knows? I'm beginning to wonder if I was just afraid to leave the house. It seems to be harder and harder for me.

Yes, there was an argument. I don't blame him for being upset. But when it comes down to it, its on me. In 12 hours he will be with little man and his family, a happy place. I am here, alone, wondering what the hell I was thinking.

So for the next week, I will try to find what I need to welcome them back while I deal with being alone...maybe the longest time ever for me.

I have been thinking over changes for the New Year. Not necessarily resolutions, as I never seem to keep those and then I feel guilty and worse than before I made them. This year I think changes, both in attitude and in actions are more appropriate.

I intended to write this post at the traditional time, ya know, New Years? But as is the norm around here lately, life has a way of intervening. The hubby and I have been spending time together, working some things through. I got through Christmas relatively unscathed and New Years has always been more about football for me anyway. :)

So it seemed things might be headed in the right direction, slowly but surely. Maybe not. There are some work issues and last weekend our vehicle got repossessed. More challenges to add to the pile. But I digress..

This just fortifies my need for CHANGE. I feel like we have been ripped bare to the bone and have to rebuild at this point. I am working on my own emotional wellbeing..I have good days and bad days. Bailey will be home next week and that is sure to buoy my spirits, as one can't help but smile in his presence. Mike is working hard, long hours out of necessity right now. We have decided that for the time being, I am not going back to work. This will involve another change, as I've never been the most patient stay at home mom.

Patience.
Love, unconditional style.
Perseverance.
Hope. Faith. Grace.
And most importantly, the ability to find happiness in every situation, even when it doesn't go the way we planned.

This is my mantra. Notice, they aren't specific. I think every area of my life can use pieces of these. So a bit late, but Happy New Year and here's to a fantastic 2010.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

For tonight I will take solace in these words from Isaiah.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

The other shoe

Lately I've been wondering if the buildup of thoughts in my head has to do with not writing anymore. I used to journal daily and even my most mundane thoughts would pour out. It is cathartic, soul cleansing. It was a way for me to not only memorialize things, big and small, but to put my thoughts in a different sort of persepective. I haven't done it regularly in years. I got a big girl job, got married, had kids, got divorced, got married again and had another kid. So I find myself, 4 kids and at least one ruined marriage later wondering whether or not I just need to get back to basics. Back to what helped me to let it all out, so to speak.

Its not easy. Especially when you have pent up thoughts and emotions that overwhelm you..where to begin? My husband and I are considering counseling to work through some of our multiple issues and though he may not agree, this may be more helpful for me. The term rock bottom is so ridiculously cliched, but there is some truth to how it feels. I find myself alone, in a town I don't want to live in, with a life I never expected to have. Making it more Hallmark Channel is the fact that all of my children are not here with me, at the time of year that all children should be around. The silence is deafening. I know they are happy. I know they are well cared for. But what parent could be okay with not having their babies around at Christmas? Certainly not me. I have issues surrounding the holidays, as I am sure we all do, but the magic of the season is amplified by kids and almost nearly snuffed out by their absence.

And so this is how I will work through it. For now.