What do you love about music? To begin with, everything.

I love  music.  I always have.  Music has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember.  From when I very young, it has been a part of my life.  My tastes have changed somewhat, but generally, not a lot. I like to rock.  Pure and simple.  I can remember listening to what is now classic rock with my dad at an age where I should have probably been listening to more age appropriate genres.  Like the crap my mom listened to.  But I digress.  ;)

A band that irrevocably changed me was Nirvana.  I know some of you (and I see you, by the way) just groaned at that.  My love affair with all things Nirvana is well documented.  Anyway, my item of gratefulness today begins with Nirvana.  The drummer of Nirvana, specifically.

I adore Dave Grohl.  Truth be told, I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave.  Ask Bay.  This is daddy #3.  When I *finally* got to see Foo Fighters live last year I cried for the majority of the show.  Yep, I'm that fan.

Oh Dave.  Imagine my dismay today upon learning that Foo is taking a "break".  Horror.  Extreme unhappiness.  Instant Foo listening marathon.  Tears.  Yep, that fan.

Here is where the grateful comes in.  I am GRATEFUL for this man and his beautiful music.  Ok, he screams more than he sings.  But to me, he sings the most wonderful melodies known to man.  His music and this band have been a big part of every single thing I've gone through for so very long?  They speak to my soul.  I don't know what to do thinking their new music won't be a part of my life again.

I love the Foo Fighters.  I am so glad I got to see them on what may very well be their last tour, for the very first time.  And the music will still continue to speak to me as it has for the last 18 years.

The Guys

When I was a teenager, defiant and full of dreams and expectations, I don't think I ever envisioned kids in my future.  Not that I didn't want them, they just didn't fit in to my plans for myself.  I never had that overwhelming desire to be a wife and mommy.

Well, obviously things changed, one kid at a time for six years until I had a d'oh moment where I realized, yes, indeed I did have four children.

But before that, there was my eldest niece.  I was still in the highlight of my turbulent twenties when she came around.  At first she was almost like a novelty.  It didn't seem real that my little sister had such a cute little thing.  Let me tell you.  Since she was just a small bundle of action and pep, that little girl stole my heart.  She was the only kid around for three years until I had my oldest, and she got ALL the attention.  I don't know how I sat through so many Veggie Tales videos, but for her, I did.  Even when I had been out since 3 am the night before.

Since then I've been blessed to have three more of my own, but also to have another niece and a nephew.  Today is my nephew's 11th birthday.  He's my little buddy and I really miss him.  I wish I could be there to celebrate with him.  Since we have moved, I don't see them like I want to.  But they hold a special place in my heart and they are my blessing for the day.  LOVE my guys!!

Its October!

October 1st!  I do love October.  While this weekend was this glorious perfect weather, today is cool and rainy.  I'll be honest.  Must as I adore sunshine, I love the rain.  It could rain every single day and I would be ok with that.  Obviously it rains WAY more here that it does in the Southwest, so my love of rain works out pretty well.  I worked with my window open today...and a blanket wrapped around me.  I just couldn't stand not letting the fresh air in.  :)

Going to start the month with just one thing I am grateful for.  Its a big one in my life right now.

This is Rosie.  We have been wanting a dog for awhile now, but as we have been virtual gypsies in our many travels and moves, not so feasible.  We waited until the guys were here this summer to rescue a shelter dog.  Turns out, she was the one doing the rescuing.

Walking into a shelter is always a painful process.  All those dogs looking up at you with the sad eyes or the excited eyes, barking, wagging, vying for attention.  We went in looking for a particular dog, but he had already been adopted.  As we walked the aisles, I saw her.  She was quiet, shy in her corner softly wagging her tail.  She was in a pen with another dog, her brother, who was very friendly and enthusiastic.  But I wanted her.  She had a look of a dog who needed me.  

I've never heard of an assistance dog for someone with anxiety issues, but this dog is it.  She is a Border Collie mix, probably Australian Shepherd.  She and her brother were dropped off at a vet's office, so we don't know her history.  As we brought her home into our family, it was obvious she had been through some sort of abuse.  It took some time to get her out of her shell and to see any signs of confidence.  Today, you wouldn't even recognize her as the dog we took home that day.  She's our buddy, our protector and my security blanket.  She seems to have an uncanny sense when things are... off...for me and when that happens, she will not leave my side.  Those of you that aren't dog people may roll your eyes, but there is nothing like the companionship.

So today, I give you Rosie.  She hangs out at my feet looking out the window most days that I work and its endlessly comforting to just be able to lean over and ruffle her fuzzy head.

Count Your Blessings

I've been struggling lately.  Life, work, reality, lots of things.  It has also left me with a complete block for what I want to write.  Not normal.  Unfortunately, I've also come to realize this IS my new normal. August is awful.  The kids leave, I struggle to maintain.  September passes in a blur as I come out of it.  And October, well let's just say this year is going to be different.

Living an "ordinary" life with anxiety is a minute to minute challenge.  I find I can go from being perfectly fine to overcome in warp speed.  We are happy in our current living situation but... I hate that but.  But, we have those neighbors.  The ones that are up to no good at all hours, in all ways, in such a manner that it has begun to seep into our little existence.  I may be um, wise with age (that's it!) but due to the life that I have led, I am not stupid.  Cars coming and going all day and night with people in and out would make Jesse Pinkman proud.  I've let this take control of my anxiety and my goal, besides getting the situation taken care of, is to rise above and let it flow right over me.

So.  How I planned to begin this post today changed a little.  But really, it fits right in quite nicely.  I need to get over it.  Because October is going to be my month of counting my blessings.  Yes, yes, I know.  Most people do this in November in conjunction with that turkey holiday, but if you know me, you know the turkey holiday is more about football, friends and family and a day of over indulgence than anything else.  I can be the rebel that breaks that tradition and does it in October, because that's really who I am.  Live with it.

I am doing a study on the life of David and a recent lesson had to do with counting your blessings when you are at your lowest,  not your highest.  This isn't a new theory for me.  Since the spring, I do this every chance I get.  Getting to my lowest has made me feel blessed daily.  But this study has reminded me how important this is to do, even when you are struggling.  Especially when you are struggling.

My goal is to do this daily in October, and it should not prove to be insurmountable because I see blessings in every aspect of my life, every day.  I hope that sharing this part of my existence with you will be enjoyable, maybe even thought provoking.  And because I conform to non-conformity, I start my daily quest today.  On the last day of September.  :)

Today, I am grateful for:

The beautiful midwest autumn weather that we are having.  Crisp, clean beautiful days with a sky so blue you have to just stop and take it in.  The change is coming, you can feel it, but for the moment it is absolute perfection.

Waking up this morning to an incessant alarm, only to have it replaced by a snuggle (and hulk smash) from the boy and Mikey.  All while getting my toes licked by Rosie.

Getting ready to an amazing series of songs that made me smile, it was so me.  Double shot of The Clash, Love Song (311 version), Bob Marley, I Will Survive (Cake version) and of course, some Muse.

Feeling so complete at home and at peace at church.  Loving it even though the sermon today was awfully hard to take.  We have never had this, and to have it now, well I think it might be the ultimate blessing.

Saying eh, whatever, to the diet and splurging into a big ol' Five Guys burger.

The Packers beat the Saints.  (Not so sure that's a blessing since that makes the Mr. awfully mad, but I'm good with it)  And I enjoyed it with what may be the last batch of Summer Shandy we see until next summer.

Knowing that I will go to work tomorrow with a new role, and having faith that I will kick that role's ass.

And I will wrap up the night with saying this.  I am blessed to be here.  And even when I am struggling, I remember His love and wake up to do it better the next day.

Strange Days

Recently I asked my husband what he thought it was about the world today, why there is so much evil and violence and how it has changed so rapidly since we were kids.  That scans two different generations of course, but I digress.  (Sorry.  I need every bit of humor I can get at the moment)

That thought came back to me this morning as I woke up in the early morning and saw the beginnings of the story of the Aurora shooting.  Almost instantly.  Why?  I think that's my main problem with this story, this entire scenario.  WHY?  I see and hear people saying there is no motive, there doesn't have to be.  I don't buy that.  This person premeditated this.  Planned it down to the last detail.  If that wasn't evident in the initial reports, the booby trapped apartment made that clear.  There has to be a motive.  And yet I know there may never be any answers.  This man was obviously ill, not that a mental illness can excuse such a tragedy.  He obviously did not want to die either, which seems at odds with the profile he presents.

I sat and watched the news all day long.  I turned it off for the baseball game, but guess what?  It is back on again.  What I need to hear, what I need to feel - and I am certain I am not alone - is the stories of the people whose lives meant something.  People who just wanted to see a movie, people who waited for weeks, months, longer to see this movie.  I spent the morning at the theater watching "Brave" with all 4 kiddos and the husband just yesterday morning.  We joked about going to the midnight showing of TDKR.  Now I try to imagine what if?  What would I do?  KIDS were in there.  Kids were lost, parents were lost.  I just can't wrap my head around it.

I intended to blog today about my first full day back to work since April.  But THIS happened today.  I feel sorrow, but I feel blessed for what I have been given as well.  A second chance.  A second chance to live the life I should lead.  For myself, for my kids.  I just can't help but think of all of those that didn't get the chance because of a sick individual with a gun.  Every time I think I can't imagine the world getting sicker, it does.

I do want to mention a website I found today because of this tragedy.  I didn't know a thing about it until I saw it linked to the story of the shooter.  It hits home with me and I hope you will take a moment to read it.

http://www.twloha.com/blog/what-that-sticker-means

Teenage Dream

I wrote a lot when I was younger.  And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.  I journaled incessantly.  I scribbled notes.  I copied down hundreds of song lyrics.  I wrote poetry.  Some of it was really bad, but re-reading it, some of it was actually pretty good and regardless of quality, incredibly insightful and awfully painful for me to read now.  I got away from the writing along the way, just the here and there writing that came while being pregnant, having babies, mostly pointless stuff.  I starting journaling and blogging again after my latest stint with psychiatric care as a way to channel some of the "stuff" that I am going through.

Coincidentally (or not, who knows?) we have recently moved.  As part of this move, I am going through boxes we have had in storage for years and what feels like half a million moves.  Personal storage of his, combined storage and baby storage for both of us and some really beat up boxes that I carried through college, my first marriage and ever since.  I've consolidated some of it along the way, but never totally unpacked it due to space, issues, whatever.  A lot of it is hard to look at for me..things that remind me of my dad, other losses.

Anyway, I have boxes and boxes of journals.  They are a record, good or bad, of me.  My current dilemma is this: do I keep them?  Getting rid of them would be hard.  I have a tendency to block things out of my brain completely if they are too hard to deal with.  If I throw these out, will I lose those memories forever?  Some of you may ask why bother to throw them out.  The reason is simple.  I had reason to think recently that I might not be around anymore.  Would I want my family and loved ones to see that?  Is this the legacy I want to leave my children?  Don't get me wrong.  I will never glorify my past or try to change the details to sanitize things.  If they ask, I will tell them, provided I think they are old/mature enough to handle it.  But here's the bottom line.  I was a messed up kid.  I had thoughts and things going through my head that never should have been there.  Later in my late teens/early 20's I thought it was important to record every. single. detail. of every thing I did.  Everything.  Trust me, some of those should not be remembered, much less written down for eternity.

So here's the plan for now.  I am reading them.  I am cringing, crying, laughing and shaking my head in disbelief.  I am marveling at the pure flow of the prose back then.  I am watching the transition as I get older. Once I am done, I am putting them all in one place with instructions to a special few as to what should be done with those.  Maybe I will change my mind later, who knows?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm doing a little blog tweaking, much like my life lately.  I talk about the silliness of life, our love of all things sports, family and an occasional crafty type post.  I will still do that, it's who I am.  But I am changing it up a little in the personal aspect of the blog.

The past few months have been a journey of self-discovery, pain, change, pain, love, loss, joy, utter despair and most of all...transition.  I am a Shan in transition.  It has never been a topic on my blog, but I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life.  I am choosing to talk about it now because I think it is important to share.  I have always felt like it was something to be ashamed of, something to hide.  I realize now, with lots of help, that it is important that everyone, including myself, sees this as an actual illness that needs treating.  Which I am doing, wholeheartedly and not without lots of trial and error.  Both with medication and therapy, with a whole boatload of different doctors.  I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't be pretty or easy in any way.  But at this point I sort of feel as if the fog is, if not lifting, thinning?

I know that it is a process.  My mantra has become not one day at a time, rather one second at a time.  Things can go from one extreme to another so quickly that this is the only way to survive.  I still look forward to things, of course.  But I don't live my life constantly looking in the future.  I am trying my best to live in the moment.  I am currently on a leave of absence from work.  Luckily for me, I work for an amazing company that has allowed me the time to get well.  I am hoping to go back in the next few weeks in a part time capacity.  We have had other changes as well, including an unplanned move out of our house into an apartment.  It's different.  But it's a nice apartment in a quiet, HUGE and beautiful wooded complex complete with fishing lakes.  The apartment itself is perfect for us and we only had to move around the corner.

Next week also marks the arrival of the guys!!  We are not doing the awesome roadtrip to go get them this year, unfortunately.  (yeah, that's it!)  They are spending the week in Florida and flying up here after that.  To say I cannot wait, well, that is an understatement.  With all of the things the last year has seen in our lives, I haven't been able to go visit them this year, so I haven't seen them at all in almost a year.  We have loads of fun and amazing things planned, so be certain that pictures will follow.

So there it is.  Life.

Oh, and because I have been insanely crafty lately, here is the current project for our awesome hardwood bathroom floors:

Tata for now!